Healing Through Amends to Ourselves and Others
The ninth step in the 12-step journey toward healing asks us to “make amends to ourselves and others wherever possible, except when doing so would cause harm.” This step marks a profound turning point in the healing process, particularly for those recovering from the effects of trauma. It is a step that calls for courage, self-compassion, and an unwavering commitment to repair—both within ourselves and in our relationships. At its heart, Step 9 is about the transformative power of forgiveness, accountability, and rebuilding trust in ways that are both safe and constructive.
When we engage in this step, we confront the ripple effects of trauma, both in how it has shaped our self-perception and how it has impacted our connections with others. Trauma often creates cycles of self-blame, resentment, and isolation, and making amends becomes a bridge to move beyond these patterns. However, the path to making amends must be navigated thoughtfully and carefully. It is a process that requires us to balance honesty with kindness, taking responsibility without inviting harm, and embracing forgiveness without overlooking accountability.
One of the most challenging aspects of this step is turning inward and addressing the amends we need to make to ourselves. For those who have experienced trauma, self-forgiveness can feel elusive. The scars left by trauma often come with a narrative of self-blame. We may question our worthiness, second-guess our decisions, or carry guilt for perceived failures. This inner dialogue can be profoundly damaging, keeping us stuck in cycles of shame and preventing us from moving forward. Step 9 invites us to examine these feelings with gentleness and to challenge the belief that we are defined by our pain or mistakes.
To make amends to ourselves, we must first cultivate self-compassion. This requires us to recognize that our trauma responses—whether they involve withdrawal, anger, or behaviors we later regret—are rooted in survival mechanisms. They do not reflect our true character or worth. By understanding the context of our actions, we can begin to release the burden of shame. Making amends to ourselves means forgiving ourselves for the ways we coped, acknowledging the strength it took to survive, and committing to treat ourselves with the care and respect we deserve moving forward.
Repairing our relationship with ourselves may also involve taking tangible steps to support our healing. This could mean seeking therapy, journaling to process our emotions, or setting boundaries that protect our well-being. It might involve nurturing our physical health, exploring creative outlets, or simply granting ourselves permission to rest. These acts of self-care are not indulgent—they are essential parts of making amends and rebuilding trust with ourselves.
The other essential component of Step 9 is making amends to others. Trauma often leaves a wake of fractured relationships, misunderstandings, and hurt feelings. In some cases, these rifts may have been caused by our own actions—lashing out in anger, withdrawing from loved ones, or engaging in behaviors that created distance. In other cases, the harm may have been mutual, with both parties contributing to the breakdown of the relationship. Regardless of the circumstances, making amends offers an opportunity to rebuild trust and repair connections.
The process of making amends begins with honest self-reflection. We must take stock of our actions and identify where we may have caused harm. This requires us to step outside of our own perspective and consider how our words and behaviors may have affected others. It is not an easy task; it demands humility and a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths. However, this level of honesty is crucial for meaningful repair.
When approaching others to make amends, it is important to prioritize safety—both for ourselves and for the other person. Trauma survivors are particularly vulnerable to feelings of shame and rejection, and it is essential to ensure that the process of making amends does not retraumatize us. Similarly, we must consider whether reaching out could inadvertently cause harm to the other person, especially if the relationship was marked by conflict or abuse. In such cases, it may be more appropriate to focus on indirect forms of amends, such as writing an unsent letter or performing acts of kindness in their honor.
For those we do approach directly, the key to a constructive conversation lies in humility and authenticity. Making amends is not about justifying our actions or seeking forgiveness for our own relief—it is about acknowledging the pain we caused and expressing genuine remorse. A heartfelt apology, free from defensiveness or excuses, can be deeply healing for both parties. It opens the door to rebuilding trust and demonstrates our commitment to growth.
However, it is important to recognize that not all relationships can or should be repaired. Some individuals may be unwilling or unable to engage in the process of reconciliation, and others may be unsafe for us to approach. In these instances, making amends does not mean forcing a connection or disregarding our own boundaries. Instead, it means accepting the limitations of the relationship and finding ways to cultivate closure within ourselves.
Step 9 also underscores the importance of forgiveness—both of ourselves and others. Forgiveness is often misunderstood as condoning harm or forgetting the pain it caused. In reality, forgiveness is a deeply personal act of liberation. It is the choice to release resentment and reclaim our peace, regardless of whether the other person acknowledges their wrongdoing. Forgiving ourselves means letting go of the inner critic that keeps us bound to our mistakes. Forgiving others means freeing ourselves from the weight of anger and allowing space for healing, even if reconciliation is not possible.
The process of making amends can be profoundly transformative. It allows us to rewrite the narrative of our lives, moving from a place of pain and regret to one of accountability and hope. It teaches us that we are not defined by our past but by the choices we make in the present. By taking responsibility for our actions and committing to repair, we reclaim our agency and create a foundation for healthier relationships moving forward.
Ultimately, Step 9 is about finding balance—between accountability and self-compassion, honesty and safety, forgiveness and boundaries. It is a step that asks us to confront our pain with courage, to approach others with humility, and to extend the same kindness to ourselves that we would offer to a dear friend. By making amends to ourselves and others, we honor the resilience it takes to heal and embrace the possibility of a future unburdened by the past.
This journey is not linear, nor is it quick. Healing is a lifelong process, and Step 9 is just one part of the larger tapestry. Yet, by engaging in this work with sincerity and care, we take a significant step toward reclaiming our wholeness. We learn that we are not alone in our struggles, that our pain does not define us, and that repair—both within and beyond—is always possible. Through this step, we transform the wounds of trauma into opportunities for growth, connection, and renewal. And in doing so, we take a powerful step toward the life we deserve: one rooted in self-love, meaningful relationships, and lasting peace.