Loving someone who struggles with addiction—whether to alcohol, drugs, gambling, or other harmful behaviors—can feel like being caught in a storm with no end in sight. One day, they promise to change, and hope rises. The next day, they break that promise, and despair takes its place. The emotional rollercoaster can be exhausting, leaving you feeling powerless and heartbroken. You love them deeply and want to help, but no matter what you do, the addiction seems stronger than any effort you make.
If you have felt this way, you are not alone. Millions of people have loved someone who is battling addiction, and they, too, have felt the pain of broken promises, the fear of what will happen next, and the deep sadness of watching someone they care about slip further away. Many well-meaning people believe that addiction is simply a series of poor choices or a lack of willpower. They may think that if the addicted person loved their family enough, or if they truly wanted to change, they would stop using. But modern science shows us that addiction is not about morality or love—it is a disease that affects the brain, changing the way a person thinks, feels, and behaves.
Understanding addiction through this lens can help us find compassion for the person suffering. It allows us to see that they are not weak or selfish, but rather caught in a cycle that has taken control of their mind. At the same time, this understanding can help us make better choices for our own well-being. It is not our job to rescue them, nor is it within our power to cure them. This does not mean we excuse their behavior or allow their addiction to consume our lives. Instead, we can step back and see the bigger picture, making decisions that protect our own peace while supporting our loved one in ways that are healthy and sustainable.
Addiction takes hold of the brain by altering its natural reward system. Under normal circumstances, our brains release a chemical called dopamine when we experience pleasure. Simple things like eating a good meal, laughing with a friend, or accomplishing a goal can create this response, reinforcing behaviors that are good for us. Drugs and alcohol, however, flood the brain with an artificial surge of dopamine, much greater than what normal activities can provide. The brain, overwhelmed by this unnatural pleasure, begins to crave more, and over time, natural sources of happiness start to feel dull. The addicted person may lose interest in family, hobbies, and work, believing that only their substance of choice can make them feel okay.
As the addiction progresses, the brain undergoes further changes. The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for self-control and decision-making, becomes weaker. This is why someone struggling with addiction may continue to use even when they know it is destroying their life. They may swear they will stop, only to relapse within days. They may lie, steal, or manipulate, not because they want to hurt you, but because addiction has rewired their thinking. The survival instinct that should drive them toward food, shelter, and relationships is now focused entirely on their substance of choice.
Loving someone in this state is incredibly painful. Addiction is often called a family disease because it does not only harm the person using—it harms everyone around them. You may have spent sleepless nights worrying about where they are or whether they are safe. You may have covered for them at work, made excuses to family and friends, or tried to shield them from the consequences of their actions. You may have begged, threatened, cried, or tried to control their behavior, only to find yourself caught in the same cycle again and again. It is natural to wonder why they keep doing this when they can see the damage it is causing. You may ask yourself, “Don’t they see how much pain they are causing? Why don’t they just stop?”
These are normal questions, but they come from the assumption that addiction is a choice. While a person’s first use of a drug or drink may have been voluntary, once addiction takes hold, stopping is no longer a simple matter of willpower. Their brain sees alcohol or drugs as essential for survival, just like food or water. At the same time, you are also suffering. Their addiction may bring chaos, financial problems, emotional wounds, and even danger into your life.
Despite our best intentions, some of the ways we try to help can actually make things worse. Making excuses for them, giving them money, or covering up the consequences of their addiction can delay the moment when they realize they need help. Threatening them without follow-through, constantly rescuing them, or trying to control their actions only fuels the cycle. While we may believe we are protecting them, we may actually be protecting their addiction. The healthiest thing we can do is set clear, firm boundaries. This might mean refusing to allow substance use in our home, declining to provide financial support, or choosing not to engage in conversations when they are intoxicated. It also means encouraging treatment, but not forcing it. A person is more likely to recover when they make the decision themselves, rather than being shamed into it.
At the same time, taking care of ourselves is just as important as supporting our loved one. Too often, we become so focused on saving them that we neglect our own health and happiness. We must remember that our well-being matters too. Seeking support from therapy, joining a group like Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, and practicing self-care are not selfish choices—they are necessary ones.
When children are involved, addiction becomes even more devastating. Kids notice more than we think, even when we try to protect them. They see the missed birthdays, the broken promises, the erratic behavior. They may feel scared, confused, or even responsible for what is happening. It is important to reassure children that the addiction is not their fault, that they are deeply loved, and that they are allowed to have their own feelings about the situation. If possible, therapy or support groups like Alateen can help them process their emotions in a safe environment.
Even when a person achieves sobriety, the journey is not over. Many people relapse at some point, but this does not mean they have failed. The brain does not heal overnight. The pathways created by addiction remain, and in times of stress or temptation, cravings can return. If your loved one relapses, it is important not to react with shame or anger. Encouraging them to get back on track is far more helpful than making them feel like a failure. However, if their relapse is accompanied by dishonesty, manipulation, or harm to others, setting stronger boundaries is necessary.
Sometimes, despite all efforts, staying in a relationship with an addicted person becomes unsafe. If your physical, emotional, or financial well-being is at risk, you may need to leave. This is not abandonment; it is self-preservation. Walking away does not mean you do not love them—it means you love yourself enough to protect your peace. It also acknowledges a painful truth: that only they can choose recovery. No matter how much you love them, you cannot make that choice for them.
Recovery is possible. Many people who once seemed lost to addiction have found their way back. They have repaired relationships, rebuilt their lives, and rediscovered joy. But they had to want it. They had to work for it. They had to take responsibility for their healing. For those of us who love them, the best thing we can do is focus on our own healing too. Whether our loved one recovers or not, we deserve peace, happiness, and a future that is not defined by someone else’s addiction. If you are struggling, reach out for support. There is hope. You are not alone.